Random musings: The 3 Elements of Charisma: Warmth

Part 3 of the 3 part series from The Art of Manliness. The links to parts 1 & 2 are at the end of this post.

When you emanate Warmth people see you as being approachable, caring, and empathetic. When they’re around you they feel comfortable and at ease. Warmth fulfills the basic human need to be understood, acknowledged, and taken care of — a need rooted in our very being all the way from childhood. Warmth is your mom handing you a cup of hot chocolate as you come inside from playing in the snow or smoothing your hair and giving you medicine as you lie sick in bed. Warmth is your dad pulling you into a bear hug when you show him the A+ on your test. Even though we grow up, leave the nest, and try to be independent, deep down we all still want to feel cared for, accepted, “at home.”

Just like Power and Presence, Warmth is essential for balancing the other elements and also cannot produce true magnetism on its own. A man with Power but not Warmth will come off as cold, arrogant, and aloof. A man with Warmth but not Power will be perceived as weak, eager to please, and desperate for approval. A drip.

However, the warmth you convey must be genuine:

Warmth backfires when people can tell you’re offering it for one reason and one reason only: to get something from them. Hence our distaste for salesmen who lay the Warmth on thick for the sake of trying to close the deal. It’s not that you shouldn’t want things from other people; pretty much the whole point of charisma is to influence others to do something, whether that’s getting them to buy a product, go on a date, or serve a cause with passion. Rather, it’s simply that influencing them can’t be your only motive.

For Warmth to come off as genuine it must be rooted in something deeper than a purely selfish motive. It must spring from your own contentment with life and a real empathy and curiosity about other people. A man of real Warmth enjoys getting to know folks from all walks of life; he conveys the sense that even if he doesn’t get from them what he was looking for, he’d still judge the interaction to have been worthwhile. A man of real Warmth is one who feels that crossing paths with another person is never a true waste.

What can you do to develop inner warmth?

Practice gratitude. A grateful heart is a happy heart. Studies have shown again and again that people who practice gratitude on a daily basis are happier and more optimistic than folks who don’t.

Develop your empathy. Teddy Roosevelt called empathy “fellow-feeling” and argued that it was the most important factor for a healthy political and social life. It’s also an important factor in developing charismatic Warmth. People want to feel understood, and empathy is what allows us to put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they feel.

The article then goes on to share several techniques for developing empathy:

Think of other people as your brothers and sisters.
Interact with people face-to-face.
Read more fiction.
Imagine a different story about the people who annoy you.
Be curious about people.

Now that you're practicing gratitude and are developing empathy, how to you convey your warmth to others?

In fact, acting warmly will develop your inner warmth more quickly and effectively than thinking your way to empathy ever will. Don’t wait until you feel like an empathetic person before you start acting like it. By acting, you become. Work on both your behavior and mindset at the same time – they go hand in hand.

So, how do you act warmly towards others?

Think of yourself as the host.
Lead with a sincere compliment.
Put more warmth in your voice.
Mirror their body language.
Relax your posture.
Open up your body.
Give them your “kind” eyes.
Smile, damnit.
Anticipate needs.
Offer something warm to drink.
Give a good handshake.
Give people a chance to let you know the effort they put into something.
Make them feel comfortable.
Remember dates, anniversaries, and details.
Give thoughtful gifts.
Take care of things.
Ask for help.
Be liberal with the thank you note.

All I've done is list the sub-headings on how to act warmly. The article discusses each sub-heading in some detail.

Here are the links to the other parts of this series:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3